Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
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