If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
