i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He passed out mid-signature
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
