It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
