he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
