I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
