update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
