i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I looked at my own cervix.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
