oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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