I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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