apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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