mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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