I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
