ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
