i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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