Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
