I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
