If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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