Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
