I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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