That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
