I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
