I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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