I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
