Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
