to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
