Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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