And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
