i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
