if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
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