my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
