I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
