I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
People in love make me want to vomit
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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