I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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