YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
