I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
