He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
