and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
