Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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