Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
