yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
