i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
