oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
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