im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm like, not good at living.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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