Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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