Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
