new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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