Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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