Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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