holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
